Human beings like to have consistency between what our
attitude (about something is) and our behavior.
However, when there is not a consistency between these two factors, we
feel uncomfortable (physiologically and psychologically). Psychologists call this experience of
inconsistency cognitive dissonance
(Festinger, 1957). Moreover, we don’t
like to feel uncomfortable with ourselves, therefore to resolve this
inconsistency (or dissonance), we change our attitude.
One form of cognitive dissonance is called effort justification (Mills, Aronson
& Robinson, 1959). In sum, people
come to love what they suffer for. Thus,
our attitude towards a behavior may change (from hate to love) because we have
put so much time and effort into the behavior, we feel that we need to get something
out of it.
I think this basically sums up why (the hell) I stayed in my
last relationship for so long. At first,
I was not really into the guy I was dating.
I dated him because I had been in a weird, one-sided fling with someone
else for such a long amount of time that I wanted someone to want ME for a
change. Therefore, someone who was head
over heels about me just walked on by and I thought, “Why not!”
Well, I have to admit…This guy was pretty much the OPPOSITE
of someone I would date (ever, for the rest of my life). This guy was one of the most insecure and
emotionally unstable people I have ever (had the displeasure) of knowing. I invested so much of my time and effort in
the relationship just basically holding his hand and reassuring him about
everything that after a couple of months, I was very emotionally and
psychologically drained from dealing with him.
However, my attitude (I HATE YOU) did not my match my behavior (I CARE
ABOUT YOU, SINCERELY. HERE, HAVE 3 HOURS OF MY TIME SO THAT I CAN COMFORT YOU
AND THEN DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW BECAUSE YOU’LL HAVE SOMETHING ELSE THAT IS SO
MEANINGLESS AND MINOR BREAK DOWN ALL OF YOUR PRIDE). Therefore, I experienced cognitive
dissonance, an inconsistency of my attitude and behavior towards this
person. To resolve my dissonance, I
justified my behavior with a change in my attitude through effort
justification. I had spent so much time trying to help this poor guy’s
self-esteem/self-worth that I surely did care about him, otherwise why would I
put up with it? Having to deal with him
is teaching me a lot about people and how they can feel so down and depressed
at times. As a psychology major,
learning to deal with his emotional turbulence is just good practice for me in
the future! It even says something good about me as a psychologist, I am
teaching someone to emotionally cope with their life!
I deceived and lied to myself for several months that the
relationship was worth my time and effort (because I invested so much time and
effort). However, I did eventually reach
a breaking point where the rewards (or benefits) that the relationship provided
for me (Now I look back and I don’t know what those were…really) were no longer
enough reward for the severity of the punishment I was suffering by being in
the relationship. Thus, I eventually
changed my attitude again from “This is worth it” to “This is not worth it” and
changed my behavior accordingly. I broke
up with him.
Probably the best decision I ever made. I actually jumped
for joy when I broke up with him and bro fist-pumped into the air.
Moral of the story, just because you invest a lot into a
relationship, doesn’t make it worth it. Don’t
lie to yourself and let cognitive dissonance tell you otherwise! If you don’t
like it, get out!
Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance.
Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
Mills, J., Aronson, E., & Robinson, H. (1959). Selectivity
in exposure to information. The Journal Of Abnormal And Social Psychology,
59(2), 250-253. doi:10.1037/h0042162
I think that relationships are a prime example of cognitive dissonance! A lot of my friends really enjoy the people they are dating, but as soon as they break up can only see the negative traits in their exes and fail to mention any of the good ones. (Although it seems that you definitely recognized the bad traits during your relationship!) It takes a long time for the people I know to get to the point where they can both appreciate the relationship and be comfortable being out of it.
ReplyDeleteFor me, this was most salient when I broke up with my long-term boyfriend of over three years. In the relationship, I was extremely certain that I was 100% in love with and 100% committed to the relationship. I mean, I had dated the guy for three years and I had to justify that somehow! However, after I behaved in a way that countered this attitude, I realized that I was not as committed to the relationship as I had previously thought; being with someone for a long time does not necessarily mean you want to be with them forever. Glad that only took me almost four years to figure out.
Crazy relationship are such a good example of cognitive dissonance! Especially when they're long term relationships. You become so committed to the relationship, you get used to saying 'I love you' and you realized how much time and effort you put into the relationship, it's hard to realize that the relationship isn't right anymore. Even when you start to realize that 'hey this person isn't as great as I though they were a year ago', you think, 'well I just spend my whole day with them and told them that I love them so...I must still be into them'. I'm sure that's what married couples go through before they divorce too. Eventually you just get to a breaking point and decided to break up with them, like you did.
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